This is an apology letter.
I’m sorry for everything I have done. I’m sorry for not seeing your beauty and for not realizing that I don’t need to coat you with ugly words for you are not a dry wall created to be painted with graffiti signs. I’m sorry for placing bookmarks on your past mistakes and regrets. I’m sorry for folding your edges and highlighting the instances when you fell down, rather than tracing those moments of triumphs, no matter how small or big they were. I’m sorry for keeping you up late at night with horrendous or lonely thoughts and for breaking your rib cage because I continue to shove and lock up those emotions inside you when they were meant to spill from your mouth in helpless cries and screams. I’m sorry for the bruises and scratches. I’m sorry for comparing you to other people and for forgetting your own worth. I’m sorry for the things I have thrown at your way. I’m sorry for slapping lies on your body and marking it with hate. I should have been kissing it and showering it with love. I’m sorry for suffocating your lungs with poisonous words and for wanting to stop the breaths from coming in and out. I’m sorry for saying sorry and for not doing anything to stop this madness. I’m sorry for giving up on you. I’m sorry for the memory lapse; I have forgotten what you meant to me years ago when you were just a young child I treasured dearly. I have forgotten how to love you and keep you safe from evil, including my own self.
And I seriously don’t know what to do or what to feel or what to think or what to say or what to hear or what to write or what to not say or do because I am here trying not to do something I’ll regret and I don’t know anymore but I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole or the sky to burst like a supernova and engulf me in flames and maybe then I’ll feel like I’m far from a black hole in this dark universe that is my life
For your faults and imperfections
that still make you beautiful in my eyes;
For your daybreak eyes and nightfall smiles;
For your bruised heart that continues to beat
and give love even when it has suffered too much already;
For your crudeness and bitterness; at the same time,
for your timidity and geniality;
For your rough hands, chapped lips,
messy hair, and weary shoulders;
For your attentiveness and sometimes lack of it;
For your incandescent hues and ethereal warmth;
For your past you long to bury and
your future you wish to attain;
For who you are right now;
Despite my fear of drowning,
you are the uncharted waters I yearn to swim in.
I want to unearth your hidden passions and shadowed follies.
I want to unravel your pages,
tracing where your heart first shattered,
reading how you lost and found,
pinpointing when you fell twenty feet below,
and memorizing why your eyes get sad.
I want to see how your lips curve into a smile,
how your hands cup a handful of lilies,
how your eyes crinkle with laughter,
and how your arms carry your favorite books.
I want to learn you.
I want to love you.
I want to make you realize how beautiful you are to me.
Despite your fear of unworthiness,
you are my sky, my lighthouse,
my road map, and my home.
It’s okay, you know. It’s okay to not know exactly what you want. It’s okay to not know where you’re going or even how far you’ve gotten. It’s okay to trip and stay down for a while. Allow some time for those bruises to heal. It’s okay to wish for something that the skies can’t grant you right now or tomorrow. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to want the earth to swallow you up. It’s okay to realize what your weaknesses are. It’s okay to get stuck in the fork on the road. It’s okay.
I’ll give you all of my favorite songs if it means you’ll be okay. Maybe not completely okay, but at least the type of okay that doesn’t feel like your heart is weighing you down. I’ll give you a new mixed tape to listen to. Just be okay.
Just like how you remember me when it’s raining, I remember you. And guess what? The rain has stopped an hour ago, but I’m still remembering and thinking of you.
I’m not sure if you’re asking for a specific “him,” but I’ll talk about the first person who came to mind.
He likes the color green and the season winter. He has this obsession with bacon and cheeseburgers haha. He likes to call me punk. He has great taste in music and books. My playlist consists mostly of his favorite songs, and I have read some of his favorite books. He likes to praise himself because he likes how I react whenever he does that (I tell him he has a big head among other things).
He has two names for his first name, just like me, and I like saying them in my head or out loud because they flow beautifully together. He can play the guitar, but I have yet to hear him play it. He was the first one I turned to when something terrible happened in my life months ago, and he told me a day later that he’s my happy capsule and to talk when I’m ready. He has written really sweet writings for me, and I reread them every now and then. He was the first one to acknowledge his feelings, and it has been exactly 85 days since we admitted to liking each other (and 117 days since we found each other). He can be demanding, like that one time when we were talking around 3 am and he forced me to watch a movie because he said he can’t fall asleep knowing I haven’t watched it yet. I did, and I was crying at 5 am because the movie ended up being a sad one (I yelled at him the next day haha).
I like how we sometimes act like idiots and laugh about the most random things. I like how he sometimes embarrasses himself when we’re talking. I like how he can easily make my day with a simple message. While I’m not usually good with telling people my feelings, I don’t mind telling him I miss him when I do. I like the poems that I end up writing about concerning him. I like how certain things remind me of him, like the moon, winter, rain, mixed tapes and tulips.
Just one look at the moon reminds me that I miss you.
When people tell me that certain things remind them of me, I get warm fuzzy feelings